Diary - February 19th to 25th 2010

Diary – Feb 19th to 25th

This week has been about three things…
1. Squeezing the little man and coping quite surprisingly
2. Study, study, professional discussion, exam, study, class and more study
3. Confusion in the ranks

I got to meet George! And he is wonderful. He was sick on me which I think is a sign that he loves me already. Plus he fell asleep on me for hours which I also see as a sign that I have a naturally calming maternal instinct. Ha ha. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. I didn’t look at their little family unit and feel bitterness; just a little sigh.

This week has also been filled with exams, classes and portfolios. I am slowly working my way to completing my qualifications. I have enjoyed the renewed learning. I might have to find something else to occupy my mind when I am done. I am open to suggestions of something new. I don’t usually like new but I don’t care this year. I need to push myself and keep my mind from sadder times.

On a strange note, the first guy I ever loved broke my heart this week; or rather it got chipped but it was no one’s fault. I will always love this guy. I can’t help it. Up until I die he will always hold a piece of my heart. This week his girlfriend gave birth to a little boy and I felt oddly devastated. Part of me knows it hurts because I love him and the other part knows I am just reacting to someone else having a baby when I can’t. I send them love and best wishes in buckets as I feel awful for my feelings. It’s not their fault, after all, that I am a confused bag of silly emotions and malfunctioning body parts. I will be happy one day even if it feels like I am waiting forever for it.

Next week… I hope to be surprised. It’s been a while.

Diary - February 12th to 18th 2010

Diary – Feb 12th to 18th

This week has been about three things…
1. Finding blue people strangely attractive
2. A family do and the memories it conjured
3. The library and its Revelations

We went to see Avatar for Valentine’s Day. Well, actually we went on Friday the 12th as I had booked a day off but the romance was there hidden in the cheesy nachos and the giant sized Pepsi Max. The film was amazing. It took me a while to get used to the 3D glasses but once my seasickness had disappeared I was in awe. Sam Worthington, while not instantly heartthrob material, was interesting and well worth the watch. His character portrayal was real and three dimensional (ha ha) even when he was a blue alien with a long tail and tiny loin cloth. What struck me about the film was that, despite the science and the destruction of the planet, it was actually very romantic. Well done Mr Cameron… again.

I spent some time in the library this week. I had my laptop out with its fast decreasing battery, my Creative Zen whispering The Fray in my ears and my chosen books surrounding me. I am currently working on a project about Angels. Hence, I was surrounded with Bibles, books about Saints and even a Guide to Channelling your hidden Guardian. I got some funny looks but at least I was able to stop myself from reading out loud from Revelations. I am pleased to note that my knowledge of The Seals is no longer limited to the time I spend watching Supernatural.

There was also a family do. My Uncle’s something birthday. There were nibbles and music, random people who looked vaguely familiar from shindigs past and music from the 50s which always comes hand in hand with these types of occasions. It was fun. We all swapped tattoo stories, my mother got giddy and we sang a little.

“Keep your mind on your driving, keep your hands on the wheel,
and keep your beady eyes on the road ahead. Cos we’re having fun,
sitting in the back seat, kissing and a hugging with Fred.”

“Oh Freddie!”

Next week… I finally get to see George!

Photo - Me

This is me, back when my eyebrow wasn't permanently raised. :) x

Musings - Mocha

How do make the perfect Mocha...

1. Boil the kettle,
2. Get your favourite mug,
3. In your mug put 1 heaped teaspoon of coffee and 4 heaped teaspoons of hot chocolate powder,
4. Then add to your mixture about half an inch / 1.25cm of milk,
5. Stir until you have a paste that looks slightly frothy,
6. Add the hot water whilst stirring at the same time,
7. Grab some chocolate biscuits and enjoy.

:)

Musings - Adoption

There was a full page advertisement in the local courier today. Adopt Billie. There was a half page picture in grainy black and white of a young child complete with woolly hat, candles and an expression what pleaded for someone to love them. Below the picture was a list of what was needed to take care of Billie.

Some of the bulleted points were serious or at least hinted at a serious nature whilst others made me smile at their effort to add to the grainy picture a little of the child’s personality. This child loves yellow and crispy potatoes, asking questions and holding on tight.

And while I was reading I started to think to myself… is this what I am meant to be doing? Is my empty womb a sign that I am meant to give the love I have and the enthusiasm and humour I have to a child who is yet to feel any of those things but who is waiting out there for me to make that call; to adopt.

Something about it feels right, scary as hell but… right. Apparently I have to wait until I have considered my fertility treatment options before I (we) will be considered to take on any child but I am patient. One way or another I have love to give and will find a way to give it. :)

Diary - February 5th to 11th 2010

Diary – Feb 5th to 11th

This week has been about three things…
1. Flat hunting and the hovels we were presented with
2. Painting within the lines
3. Fleshing out my Angel.

My best friend is currently looking for a new place to live. She has been a Halifaxian now for two years and the building she lives in has deteriorated at an alarming rate. Drugs raids, smashed in doors… the maintenance people even replaced the broken lock on the communal front door this week but didn’t think to give any of the tenants a new key so it lasted about three hours before someone took a screw driver to it. We looked at a couple of places, hovels, and decided that as my friend has never or ever will be a squatter they were not for her. Disgusting smells from unknown places do not a welcome homestead make. Plus the estate agent showing us around was pathetic. Tut.

I have been working on my paint by numbers and have almost finished it. Sad I know but it is a great de-stress tool. The mixing of my own colours proved a little funny as what ever number colour I mixed together I always ended up with a green beige. It is looking good though (despite the beige) but I am yet to think what the hell to do with it when it’s done. The recycle men come on a Friday…

I was also brave enough this week to share some of my writing with my colleagues. I was nervous but if I intend to actually do something with my poems and my musings and my novels then I need to suck it up and get some opinions. The opinions I did get were very promising so I feel bolstered to put some more time in and get on with it. It’s my dream so I only have myself to blame if I don’t achieve it.

Oh and I didn’t win the Euro Millions but I wouldn’t have known what to do with all that money anyway. Okay some of it yeah but £113 million? I wonder how much Danny Jones would be?

Next week… I am going to see Avatar for Valentine’s Day. I will report back.

Diary - January 29th to February 4th 2010

Diary – Jan 29th to Feb 4th

This week has been about three things…
1. In laws and their flaws a plenty
2. An addition to the next generation
3. Scanning and ultimately committing plagiarism.

My friend Clare had her baby this week. He was a surprise and again surprised everyone by arriving on his due date. His name is George, he was 7lb 6oz and was born at 8am in the morning on the 3rd of February. Next it will be Rachel squeezing out her bundle but not for a few months yet although she is already huge. Twins perhaps? I now have to decide on a present for Little G though when you have nothing what do you buy for the boy who will have everything? Alas.

I have been committing plagiarism. I won’t go into the details but my place of work, ever and always too lazy to do any work of its own, has had me scanning in a document submitted by another workplace so that I can cut and paste. It tickles the incensed hairs of my conscience and my morals but as in their words ‘we pay you to do what we say’ I guess I can not refuse. But as I have clocked up enough years for Maternity Leave (even though it is looking unlikely I will even take advantage of it) I am willing to stay and grit my teeth.

The in laws have also been disappointing this week. To be honest I don’t really have an interest they can come and go as they please, or don’t as the case may be… but I hate to see how much it hurts my husband. The sadness in his eyes and the increasing realisation that they are always so willing to mess him about makes me want to scream and rant. Grrr. I love you Kieran.

Next week… I am going to finish my Paint by Numbers.

Musings - Same Old Same Old

I'm not pregnant again today.

I have had my sob so now I will attempt to pick up the pieces of my broken self.

I will write my diary later and try be a little cheerful.

Question: 6

Why are line managers such complete and utter idots!?

Musings - Welcome Peach

One of my closest friends gave birth on the 3rd of February to a healthy and beautiful baby boy. I haven’t seen him yet but I know he will be a peach just like his mum (or I guess a big rugby playing peach like his dad). His name is George.

While I can't wait to meet George I feel a little apprehensive about how I might feel. Selfish I know but I don’t want to always look at him and remember how heartbroken I felt. Neither do I want to do a Stacy special and be devoid of any emotion as I think both him and my friend deserve more than that.

This will be my ultimate test. I will have to put three years of longing and disappointment and heartbreak into my hypothetical box and store it in the pocket of my heart. Someday, somewhere in my future I can only dream of being the mother of a new born and sending out messages of arrival for my own little peach.

But I welcome George for I love him already.

Photo - Cannock Chase

'And Heaven; hidden, jealous, spied upon the Earth.'

Photo - The Cannock Stag

I caught him just as the sun was coming up. He paused, waited for me, nodded and then went on his merry regal way. x

Photo - Dublin Castle July 2007

I am not usually a fan of feet, I have no fetish for that area, after all... but these feet, made from sand and found lerking in the courtyeard at Dublin Castle... these feet I loved. x

Poem - Fear

Fear; muscles clench and heart stops,
Breath shudders and hands sweat,
Eyes open wide, struck and horror filled,
Life flashes fast and unheeded,
Regrets surface and prayers come to mind.
All that you are, were and will never be...
Fear; the emotive proof,
Mortality; questioned.

Poem - All To Dust

Some surface dust settles daintily, unknowingly,
A grey blanket easily blown,
I write my name with finger single,
Existing at least until the re-covering,
When letters slowly fade,
Unless easily blown and I disappear fast,
A dispersal of myself.

Question: 5

Is there such a place as Heaven?

Photo - My First Dance with Kieran

This was our first dance on our wedding day, May 27th 2006. That's my Ma in the Duck Egg suit. x

Musings - Study

I have just done three hours of study.

I hadn't intended to sit here that long, time just flew I guess. I am currently working on my Maths and Communications portfolios. I am 29, way too old to be faffing about with Key Skills but I got roped into it because my GCSE certificates are twelve years old. See... way too old.

So now I am done for the night, my brain is tired, my eyes are sore and my legs are cramped courtesy of the laptop.

The husband is on the XBOX (surprise) so I might have a snooze beside him with the Rohan.

Or better yet...

Diary - January 22nd to 28th 2010

Diary – Jan 22nd to 28th

This week has been about three things…
1. Flooding and the havoc reeked
2. Coursework and the realisation that while I love to learn I am a little lazy
3. Henry VIII and his lack of self control.

I do fear that my workplace has been hit by a ridiculous amount of misfortune of late; perhaps it broke a mirror or stepped on a crack. Following the sewage pipes bursting and the ‘dangerous’ amount of snow we now have a flood. A radiator on the top floor ‘fell off’ the wall resulting in a fountain of water which felt the need to damage rooms not only on its own floor but on the six floors below it. Ceilings came down, computers fried and carpets are now several shades darker and stickier than they were the day before. Perhaps Locusts will be in the next phase of bad luck?

I have started watching The Tutors box sets. I am bemused to say the least. I don’t remember being taught at school that Henry VIII was a complete player or that every one at Court was a complete whore. My eyebrows are constantly in my hairline and any crush I previously had on Jonathan Rhys Meyers has been well and truly stamped out. Eyes that once were intriguing now freak me the hell out. Oh well. I will keep watching though; I am still on wife number one so I guess I have a long way to go.

And Glee… what a show! I dare anyone to watch it and not love it. Just for the sheer amount of political incorrectness, I dare you not to snigger when you really know you shouldn’t.

Next week… I am going to sharpen my teeth.