Friday, 25 June 2010

Diary - June 18th to 24th 2010

Diary – 18th to 24th June

This week has been about three things…
1. Sedation at Seacroft for the sucking out of my eggs,
2. An England team that once again keeps the fans guessing,
3. Loosing my best friend.

Friday I had another scan and while my eggs are coming along nicely they wanted to see me Saturday morning. They then confirmed I had 17 eggs and a retrieval date of Tuesday 22nd of June!!!! ARGH!!!! All systems go now.

Later Saturday I went to see a film called Letters to Juliet. From the trailers and adverts that I had seen for it, I knew that it was going to be a light hearted romance that I could enjoy without feeling emotionally overwrought at the end of it. It was good. The storyline was fantastic and while they could have done so much more with it, what they did do was pleasant and well written.

The plot centred on the idea that women far and wide would visit the house of Juliet and leave her a letter pinned to the wall of the house asking her for romantic advice. Local women would then collect the letters each day and, as Juliet, write a response to each. Sophie, our main character, comes across a fifty year old letter and writes a reply. The woman who wrote the original letter, now sixty five years old, returns to Juliet’s House to heed Sophie’s advice and find the one true love that she abandoned all those years previous. The film is the journey that is taken to locate this man, as well as the journey of several hearts as Sophie finds her own true love. The only downfall it had was that, as usual, when an American made film has a young British male character in it they automatically try and make him Prince William. I will definitely buy the DVD though… I am a sucker for Romance.

Father’s Day came and went with the usual folks and in laws coming to visit. I didn’t really pay much attention as I was too busy counting the nervous hours down to when I was to take my late night injection. 8:30pm was to be my jabbing time! I managed it fine and promptly fell asleep on the sofa. While I can honestly say the last few weeks have flown by with little drama they have still been quite draining so I allow myself the odd cat nap. :)

Tuesday dawned and we headed to the Leeds Centre for Reproductive Medicine for our 7:45am appointment. I was soon stripped, gowned and the IV feeder was poked into my arm. It is amazing how vulnerable you feel without your makeup, knickers and wedding rings. A very pretty young nurse, which amused me no end, soon came to take all the men away to provide their samples. I was then taken into the treatment room where I was laid on the bed, legs in the air, feet strapped in and then sedated. Other than some vague moving about I remember nothing other than coming around next to Kieran, starving, and feeling like I had been riding a bicycle without a seat for a couple of weeks. I was soon up and out and home by lunch time. Not the drama I was expecting; if it doesn’t work this time I know I am strong enough to repeat the job.

The unit rang me early Wednesday morning to let me know that they had managed to retrieve 14 eggs and that a whopping 13 had fertilised! It was fantastic news as I was really expecting them all to fail. That is what you get with ‘Unexplained Infertility’, the expectation to fall at every hurdle. But we didn’t! We have 13 potential embryos to work with. They also informed be that Friday morning will be the day of my Embryo Transfer… the day where the work stops being done for me and it is up to my body to be welcoming enough for my two little dividing cells to want to stay for a while. Oooh fingers crossed!!!!

Next week… everything gets put back in my body!

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Zen - Midweek Musical Medley...

10 songs to distract a nervous heart...

1. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Midnight
2. Fall Out Boy - Dead On Arrival
3. Kelly Clarkson - Just Missed The Train
4. Stacie Orrico - I could Be The One
5. Tyler Hilton - Glad
6. Heart - Alone
7. Justin Timberlake - Senorita
8. Matchbox Twenty - Bright Lights
9. Dixie Chicks - Long Time Gone
10. Dirty Dancing - The Time Of My Life

Sunday, 20 June 2010

Musings - Mixing your Shakespeare...

I saw a film yesterday with a Romeo and Juilet theme which quoted Hamlet and as it was a beautiful quote at a great moment I will share it...

Doubt thou the stars are fire,
Doubt that the sun doth move,
Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt I love.

Act II, Scene II

Saturday, 19 June 2010

Diary - June 11th to 17th 2010

Diary – 11th to 17th June

This week has been about three things…
1. Growing my eggs and feeling exceedingly ‘full’ as I do so,
2. Having a good old freak out which is long over due,
3. Finding out that people are not the person you thought they were.

Saturday I had a bit of a freak out. After two weeks of injecting myself without a second thought I suddenly found that I couldn’t. I just could not get my hand to move the syringe towards my body. It was ridiculous; but the more I tried the more I realised that couldn’t and then the more my brain wouldn’t communicate with my hand the more panicked I felt; then of course I couldn’t breath which made me panic more! It was shocking. It was getting to the point where Kieran was going to have to do it for me but that idea freaked me out more than my suddenly paralysed hand. It took me an hour and a half to do it and it was nothing; over in seconds and didn’t even hurt. So then I was upset for being so pathetic. I blame the drugs! I’m sure I’m not usually such a sap? Perhaps self preservation kicked in, which is weird.

Anyway, Kieran decided to kidnap me for the day and as he was heading in the York direction to collect some tires we packed a picnic and let the day unfold. We ended up at Byland Abbey which I have pictured earlier in the week. It was a beautiful day and a beautiful place, and while I’m not usually spiritual, walking around the ruined Abbey cleansed me and calmed my fractured soul. I genuinely felt like someone or something was giving me a hug. :)

Midweek I had two afternoons of training, the new system we have installed is about to be dispersed to the rest of my workplace so some bright spark thought it might be a good idea to make sure that we knew how to use it first. The most entertaining part of the training was getting to see CW and seeing how well he looks. He is a fool but I fear that is part of his charm. I am now 107 in line to be his next wife. I would have made it into the top 100 but as I never visited him on his ‘death bed’ I have lucked out. I think bribes will be in order to get any higher on the list, bless him.

We also had another visit to ACE Wednesday morning. I have fifteen eggs now as apposed to the standard one! Just waiting for them to grow and mature so that we can have the retrieval next week. All fun and games but we are getting there!

Thursday I had my first real taste of another person’s impatience regarding my IVF treatment. I was made to feel as if I was a complete inconvenience, like I could no longer be relied upon for anything, like I had never and would never again be useful. It was awful. I have been open, honest and continuously hard working yet because, for one week out of five and half years, I am not able to commit my time I am causing a whole variety of anal problems. I never have time off sick, I go to work positive and approachable and I am willing to do anything to progress my team and workplace but clearly nowadays that just isn’t enough.

I wanted to stand there and scream…

Do you think this is easy for me?
Am I not inconvenienced by my malfunctioning reproductive parts?
Am I really expected to have to deal with the shit you haven’t sorted when I am dealing with enough of my own?
Back Off!!

In reality I said nothing but I knew that this was a working relationship that would never be the same. Loose my respect and you can never fully gain it back. I am too old, too infertile and too drugged up to suffer the stupidity of others.

Next week… they go in and drag out my eggs.

Friday, 18 June 2010

Photo - Blue Flowers

If only these flowers were really this color. :)

Thursday, 17 June 2010

Question: 16

Am I strong enough to get through this?

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Musings - What's 'Hat All About...

I once had this friend, actually he was more of an acquaintance, thinking about it I only met him twice so in reality we emailed for a couple of months before he disappeared and I realised I didn’t miss him…

But, anyway, I once briefly knew a guy who collected hats.

I think he considered himself a cross between Frank Sinatra and Julian Casablancas which was eyebrow raising in a ‘you poor sap’ way rather than a ‘how hip are you’ way. Don’t get me wrong; he pulled it off in a skinny jeaned, mad haired fashion but I always felt that beneath the spray on pants and the maroon tie too much effort was being spent to look effortless.

But back to the hats.

He wouldn’t wear them. He bought them, loved them but would never adorn them. He considered it PEACOCKING.

The guy with the leave-nothing-to-the-imagination jeans, extremely pointy shoes, ridiculous ties, and hate me writing style thought that it would take the addition of a hat to be a human peacock? Fool right?

Other than wit, the love of ridiculous questions and writing; the only other thing we had in common was collecting hats.

But I like to wear mine.

Even if I look a little odd or a little quirky I still slap them on my noggin and dare to leave the house. My friends, family, husband… all despair. Even looking at myself in my hats I have to appreciate they make me strangely eccentric.

But there is something about a hat that gives me a little sass and I like it.

I don’t really have a style, I won’t be auditioning for The Strokes anytime soon and I am certainly not the type you would even consider to be a peacocker. (Not a word, I know, but it forms nicely in the mouth, ha ha).

But when I am gone and people try to remember who I was, if at least one person can smile, reminisce and say ‘Do you remember that awful purple hat?’, then I will look down (mostly likely up) and be happy.

So here are a couple of my hats, be bemused…

Lyrics - Gripping it before it grips me...

I think Incubus were channeling my current state of mind when they sang...

Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I cant help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before, it seems to have a vague haunting mass appeal
Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel...

Monday, 14 June 2010

Musing (and Photo) - Byland Abbey (Kidnapped by The Husband)

On Saturday to cheer me up my husband kidnapped me and took me on a road trip.

By chance we found the site of Byland Abbey, North Yorkshire. An Abbey, like many others, doomed by Henry VIII and his eccentric ways.

This was once one of the four most revered Abbey's in the area.

Top left of the photo would have been the Rose Window which would have let beautiful Heavenly light into the Abbey.

Kieran and Rohan enjoyed a wander around while I snapped away with the camera.

Sunday, 13 June 2010

Diary - June 4th to 10th 2010

Diary – 4th to 10th June

This week has been about three things…
1. Realising that the human race sucks,
2. Returning to ACE and coming away with a pharmacy,
3. Doing what I love best… film watching.

This week started with doom and gloom.

Friday morning I left the house for work to find that during the night some fine example of the earth’s scum had smashed in the rear windscreen on my car. As I have no enemies that I know of and nothing from the car was taken, I can only deduce that this was an act of mindless vandalism. Don’t you just hate people? I posted photographs of my sorrowful Renault. The insurance company as usual didn’t really care about my plight but transferred me to their Autoglass company who informed me that nothing could be done until Sunday. As the photos clearly show my car is now open to the public so this was a little, no a lot, unacceptable.

It was even suggested to me that I cover the open window with Clingfilm??? What!!!?

Now being on my hormone injections means that I am not in my usual easy going state of mind, in fact I was an emotional wreck, so my lovely husband got on the case. He rang the insurance company back to inform them that the car was going to be stolen. His sarcasm worked wonders as my car got a garage for the day and night and was returned to fully windowed order by 8am on Saturday morning. :) All I have to fear now is my renewal quote!

Saturday afternoon me and the friend went to see Street Dance 3D. I wasn’t expecting much which was wrong because it was great. Not quite sure why it needed 3D and the lead character’s Leeds accent was a little grating (says the woman born 18 miles down the road), and the male ballet dancer had a weird shaped head, but other than that I thoroughly enjoyed it. The story worked well, if a little try hard, and from start to finish I was willing them to win, which for me is always a good sign. I also got to keep my 3D glasses for future showings though I realised afterwards that the privilege has cost me a pound!

Sunday I found and made my Existence all fancy – what do you think?

I also got to watch Daybreakers this week. It felt like I had been waiting years for it to come to DVD. Being an Ethan Hawke fan since 1991 I am always excessively keen to see his offerings. He had a few strange years in the middle (Gattaca, cough) but he pulled me back in with Training Day. The film was excellent. It catered both to my Vampire and Hawke obsessions. It was well scripted, filmed and one I can definitely see me watching over and over again. He also had his floppy hair back which has and always will do strange things to my toes. :)

Thursday saw the return to ACE (Assisted Conception) where I was given an entire carrier bag filled with injections. No exaggeration, a literal carrier bag full. I now have to take two per day. One to stop my hormones and one to give them back. I had to go on my own this time; Kieran was tied up at work, which I didn’t quite like. The nurse I had this time was also a little ‘flippant’ which doesn’t help when I am nervous, my hormones are all over the place, and she is telling me that in less than two weeks a guy with a big needle will be sucking out my eggs. It will be worth it, it will be worth it!

Next week… I get to go on the magic chair more times than I find good for my sanity.

Thursday, 10 June 2010

Photo - Purple Orchid

How beautiful is my Orchid.
I bought this the day of Kieran's Nan's funeral, it continues to bloom in her memory.

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

Question: 15

Was it wrong to fill in the staff survey whilst going through the 'bitch' part of my hormone treatment?

Sunday, 6 June 2010

Photo - Lazy Sunday Rohan

The lastest Rohan photographs and her ability to be a complete sloth.

Saturday, 5 June 2010

Photo - Don't you just hate people!!!!!!!!!!!

When I headed out on Friday morning this is what i found! Some stupid fools smashed in my back windscreen! How ridiculous! Took me the whole day to sort out and it took the Police 9 hours to even give us a crime number! Grrrr!

There are many swear words that come to mind but i will remain dignified and not type them - though i will just say !£%$&%$£&&%*!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nothing was taken so clearly just pointless vandalism! ooh makes me so mad! :(

Friday, 4 June 2010

Diary - May 28th to June 3rd 2010

Diary – 28th May to 3rd June

This week has been about three things…
1. More dreams of a strange nature which included a Bounty Hunter and a pair of handcuffs,
2. Out with the old and in with the new,
3. Waiting for side effects that never really came. Phew.

Friday was the day we had our appointment with Assisted Conception to start my first course of IVF injections. Nervous Much! When we got there another couple were waiting to be seen, they had a pram with them with a sleeping two year old flopped inside. Now part of me thinks it’s slightly cruel to allow children into an area where infertile couples are likely to be milling but this time we were able to laugh as the nurse smiled at me and said “Here’s one we made earlier.” If anything was going to put me at ease; that did. We gave blood, got our prescription and then were given instructions on how to inject the hormone inhibiter into my stomach. The needle is huge! I didn’t realise it was going to be an actual syringe! I managed it though! I’m a big girl.

I was told that there would be a whole variety of side effects but other than feeling tired and a little ditzy I have been fine. It took my a few days to get used to injecting, and I can’t do it with Kieran watching ha ha, but by the end of the week I was an old pro. I decided it would be easier to build it into my breakfast routine so that I wouldn’t forget. So my morning consists of shower, dressed, kettle on, toast in, injection, make a cuppa, butter toast, food channel. Good times. I go back next Thursday to check my progress; fingers crossed.

I will at some point start an IVF diary log but with my new ditzy mind I haven’t really been able to focus myself on anything, but watch this space I promise.

The bank holiday weekend was spent either in the library or moving all my living room type belongings into the kitchen. It is amazing how much stuff we have accumulated, okay stuff I have collected as I can’t really blame Kieran for any of it. It was a bit of a jigsaw puzzle to fit the bookshelves, the cupboard, the dvds, the books, the dog cage and the sofa’s next to the dining table but I did it and even manage to leave about a foot of space for us to squeeze through to get to the rest of the house. It was take away city though as I blocked off the cooker, oops. It was worth it though in preparation for Tuesday.

So Tuesday I had my long awaited new carpet fitted. With Rohan puppy trained and with having the money saved I was finally able to purchase a carpet without feeling premature or guilty for spending the money. It took the fitters about half an hour to fit it and looking at it I know the colour looks different at home than it did at the shop, and in all honestly it doesn’t match the room, but I love it anyway. It’s clean! Getting all the furniture back into the living room from the kitchen was the next drama but at least I got the chance to have a good tidy and a good sort out. Everything looks lovely now, back to feeling like a room I might want to spend time in. Rohan has been forbidden to enter with damp feet and Kieran has been warned too ha ha.

Wednesday I was back to work, obviously no one had done anything while I was off. Slackers. Good job I at least know what it going on!

Next week… I just plan to enjoy my treatment and raise my rock bottom hopes. Positive thinking, positive thinking!!!

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

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