Diary - June 11th to 17th 2010

Diary – 11th to 17th June

This week has been about three things…
1. Growing my eggs and feeling exceedingly ‘full’ as I do so,
2. Having a good old freak out which is long over due,
3. Finding out that people are not the person you thought they were.

Saturday I had a bit of a freak out. After two weeks of injecting myself without a second thought I suddenly found that I couldn’t. I just could not get my hand to move the syringe towards my body. It was ridiculous; but the more I tried the more I realised that couldn’t and then the more my brain wouldn’t communicate with my hand the more panicked I felt; then of course I couldn’t breath which made me panic more! It was shocking. It was getting to the point where Kieran was going to have to do it for me but that idea freaked me out more than my suddenly paralysed hand. It took me an hour and a half to do it and it was nothing; over in seconds and didn’t even hurt. So then I was upset for being so pathetic. I blame the drugs! I’m sure I’m not usually such a sap? Perhaps self preservation kicked in, which is weird.

Anyway, Kieran decided to kidnap me for the day and as he was heading in the York direction to collect some tires we packed a picnic and let the day unfold. We ended up at Byland Abbey which I have pictured earlier in the week. It was a beautiful day and a beautiful place, and while I’m not usually spiritual, walking around the ruined Abbey cleansed me and calmed my fractured soul. I genuinely felt like someone or something was giving me a hug. :)

Midweek I had two afternoons of training, the new system we have installed is about to be dispersed to the rest of my workplace so some bright spark thought it might be a good idea to make sure that we knew how to use it first. The most entertaining part of the training was getting to see CW and seeing how well he looks. He is a fool but I fear that is part of his charm. I am now 107 in line to be his next wife. I would have made it into the top 100 but as I never visited him on his ‘death bed’ I have lucked out. I think bribes will be in order to get any higher on the list, bless him.

We also had another visit to ACE Wednesday morning. I have fifteen eggs now as apposed to the standard one! Just waiting for them to grow and mature so that we can have the retrieval next week. All fun and games but we are getting there!

Thursday I had my first real taste of another person’s impatience regarding my IVF treatment. I was made to feel as if I was a complete inconvenience, like I could no longer be relied upon for anything, like I had never and would never again be useful. It was awful. I have been open, honest and continuously hard working yet because, for one week out of five and half years, I am not able to commit my time I am causing a whole variety of anal problems. I never have time off sick, I go to work positive and approachable and I am willing to do anything to progress my team and workplace but clearly nowadays that just isn’t enough.

I wanted to stand there and scream…

Do you think this is easy for me?
Am I not inconvenienced by my malfunctioning reproductive parts?
Am I really expected to have to deal with the shit you haven’t sorted when I am dealing with enough of my own?
Back Off!!

In reality I said nothing but I knew that this was a working relationship that would never be the same. Loose my respect and you can never fully gain it back. I am too old, too infertile and too drugged up to suffer the stupidity of others.

Next week… they go in and drag out my eggs.