I never expected this? I’m aching, on my knees,
Cant you see it? I’m drowning, dying inside my skin,
All I hoped; shattered? I’m hapless, forsaken of dreams,
Nobody hears it? I’m screaming, so loud I make no sound,
Tiny pieces, too small? I’m broken; no glue can fix this,
Barren? Barren? I’m lost, my direction faded; unchartered,
Rage gnaws, never relenting? I’m angry, it crawls like ink through veins,
Empty? I’m filled with nothing; nothing creeps in every corner,
Alone with grief? I’m so alone with this grief, I greave,
Treachery in my smile? I’m masking it, look deeper; see my awful truth,
Help me, please? I’m asking, out loud, please; I’m never going to get over this,
Even now… even now? I can’t breathe…
Showing posts with label heartbreak. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heartbreak. Show all posts
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
Sunday, 11 July 2010
Diary - July 2nd to 8th 2010
Diary – 2nd to 8th July
This week has been about one thing…
1. Figuring out how to breathe through a broken heart.
My IVF treatment didn’t work and I am devastated. I spent the entire month trying, pretending, hoping, to be pragmatic.
“If it doesn’t work, we’ll just have another go.”
“The first try is always more of a fact finding mission to find out what is going wrong.”
“We can always adopt, there are so many children out there needing love.”
“This IVF business wasn’t so hard, I can go through it again.”
What a load of, dare I say it, yes I dare, f'ing crap!
No one prepares you for the complete and utter searing pain of finding out that you have failed again. Failed yourself, you husband, your family, your friends, nature! And failed the embryos that were counting on you to give them life. For the 42nd month in a row since we started trying to conceive I got my period and it has broken me. That is how I feel, broken. Like my entire happiness was resting on one thing and now that it is no longer a possibility I have ceased to function on a normal level.
The week has been a pity party from start to finish with me flipping between forcing myself to blink and remember to inhale and exhale or me shutting down completely on the inside and behaving like all is right with the world and I have never had a care in it.
It is frightening. There is still a slightly rational part of me that is preparing for a complete melt down. Its coming, it will be epic, it will destroy me completely.
Being around people I seem somehow able to rationalise what I am going through but not for me, for them. I have a mask I wear to convince them that I am not in fact dying on the inside but prevailing through it all. It’s bullshit; when I am alone I crumple. I shrivel. I cry like I will never ever recover.
And I curse myself for being so pathetic. It was my first attempt! People try so hard over and over again, yet here I am feeling like it’s the end. It DOES feels like the end though, and no matter how much I try and put myself together I only get so far before I shatter. Reading and Rohan have been my only real distraction, and I love them for it.
My best friend is still no where in sight; I feel her lack of support like an additional hole growing grotesquely within in my chest. I fear I will never forgive her for it.
Next week… I will be arranging my consultation for acupuncture and trying to rebuild before the rain comes.
This week has been about one thing…
1. Figuring out how to breathe through a broken heart.
My IVF treatment didn’t work and I am devastated. I spent the entire month trying, pretending, hoping, to be pragmatic.
“If it doesn’t work, we’ll just have another go.”
“The first try is always more of a fact finding mission to find out what is going wrong.”
“We can always adopt, there are so many children out there needing love.”
“This IVF business wasn’t so hard, I can go through it again.”
What a load of, dare I say it, yes I dare, f'ing crap!
No one prepares you for the complete and utter searing pain of finding out that you have failed again. Failed yourself, you husband, your family, your friends, nature! And failed the embryos that were counting on you to give them life. For the 42nd month in a row since we started trying to conceive I got my period and it has broken me. That is how I feel, broken. Like my entire happiness was resting on one thing and now that it is no longer a possibility I have ceased to function on a normal level.
The week has been a pity party from start to finish with me flipping between forcing myself to blink and remember to inhale and exhale or me shutting down completely on the inside and behaving like all is right with the world and I have never had a care in it.
It is frightening. There is still a slightly rational part of me that is preparing for a complete melt down. Its coming, it will be epic, it will destroy me completely.
Being around people I seem somehow able to rationalise what I am going through but not for me, for them. I have a mask I wear to convince them that I am not in fact dying on the inside but prevailing through it all. It’s bullshit; when I am alone I crumple. I shrivel. I cry like I will never ever recover.
And I curse myself for being so pathetic. It was my first attempt! People try so hard over and over again, yet here I am feeling like it’s the end. It DOES feels like the end though, and no matter how much I try and put myself together I only get so far before I shatter. Reading and Rohan have been my only real distraction, and I love them for it.
My best friend is still no where in sight; I feel her lack of support like an additional hole growing grotesquely within in my chest. I fear I will never forgive her for it.
Next week… I will be arranging my consultation for acupuncture and trying to rebuild before the rain comes.
Saturday, 3 July 2010
Diary - June 25th to July 1st 2010
Diary – 25th June to 1st July
This week has been about three things…
1. In with the Embryos
2. Waiting, waiting!, WAITING!!!
3. Wondering if my best friend ever cared at all?
I genuinely have no idea what I have done this week. IVF does that to you I think.
Friday we went to Seacroft for our Embryo Transfer. I was to have a full bladder and this was to be my downfall ha ha. We had to be there at 11am and I decided to drink half my 2 litre bottle on the way there. Big mistake. By the time be arrived in Leeds at an early 10.30 I literally had to run for the loo too panicked about wetting myself to think about keeping my bladder full! Urinating never felt so special. Then I panicked about the full bladder thing so set to downing half of the remaining litre. By 11am I was ready, I couldn’t sit down, I was dancing around the waiting room but not from excitement… I needed to pee again. So after a quick word with the nurse I went but then nervously finished my bottle of Buxton. Unfortunately I didn’t go down to theatre until 11.40 so for the third time that morning I thought I was going to burst!
The procedure itself, performed by the lovely Mr Tang, was like a slightly finicky smear test. On my back, legs in the air (strapped in) and in the two little fellas went; meaning my embryos and not Mr T and his assistant. When it was all over I sped to the bathroom under the assurance that I would not be able to dislodge my new nestling (hopefully) friends with my rapid flow. All done. Now the waiting begins.
The waiting has been the worst part! I have no idea where my mind has been other than in a nervous state of insanity waiting to see if my period appeared before my pregnancy test. I don’t think I am mentally equipped to deal with it not working. Alas. Will this break me?
Thursday another one of my friends informed me that they were pregnant and due in January. This means they were trying for a very short period of time before they got lucky. Now ,I love that my friends are getting pregnant and having babies, its fantastic… but the ease with which they do… the lack of effort it takes when I have spent the last three and a half years dealing with no luck… it breaks my heart. I can’t help it, I can’t help the sobbing that comes forth uncontrolled. Not because they are happy, I would never begrudge them that; I just can’t help but feel that there will never me any babies left for me. Pathetic, huh? Soul destroying? Yes.
Next week… more waiting and possibly some painting.
This week has been about three things…
1. In with the Embryos
2. Waiting, waiting!, WAITING!!!
3. Wondering if my best friend ever cared at all?
I genuinely have no idea what I have done this week. IVF does that to you I think.
Friday we went to Seacroft for our Embryo Transfer. I was to have a full bladder and this was to be my downfall ha ha. We had to be there at 11am and I decided to drink half my 2 litre bottle on the way there. Big mistake. By the time be arrived in Leeds at an early 10.30 I literally had to run for the loo too panicked about wetting myself to think about keeping my bladder full! Urinating never felt so special. Then I panicked about the full bladder thing so set to downing half of the remaining litre. By 11am I was ready, I couldn’t sit down, I was dancing around the waiting room but not from excitement… I needed to pee again. So after a quick word with the nurse I went but then nervously finished my bottle of Buxton. Unfortunately I didn’t go down to theatre until 11.40 so for the third time that morning I thought I was going to burst!
The procedure itself, performed by the lovely Mr Tang, was like a slightly finicky smear test. On my back, legs in the air (strapped in) and in the two little fellas went; meaning my embryos and not Mr T and his assistant. When it was all over I sped to the bathroom under the assurance that I would not be able to dislodge my new nestling (hopefully) friends with my rapid flow. All done. Now the waiting begins.
The waiting has been the worst part! I have no idea where my mind has been other than in a nervous state of insanity waiting to see if my period appeared before my pregnancy test. I don’t think I am mentally equipped to deal with it not working. Alas. Will this break me?
Thursday another one of my friends informed me that they were pregnant and due in January. This means they were trying for a very short period of time before they got lucky. Now ,I love that my friends are getting pregnant and having babies, its fantastic… but the ease with which they do… the lack of effort it takes when I have spent the last three and a half years dealing with no luck… it breaks my heart. I can’t help it, I can’t help the sobbing that comes forth uncontrolled. Not because they are happy, I would never begrudge them that; I just can’t help but feel that there will never me any babies left for me. Pathetic, huh? Soul destroying? Yes.
Next week… more waiting and possibly some painting.
Monday, 22 March 2010
Poem - To Leave
To Leave
Take up your hand and hold it to my heart;
It beats for you,
Listen to my breathing, shallow, painful;
A soul trembles at your touch,
Look into the blue that’s enraptured by this moment;
My eyes crave every detail,
Move closer and take note our reaction;
I feel that you feel,
Whisper those secrets you can no longer keep;
You love me,
Kiss me and seal your confession and make this real;
For I taste your confusion,
Don’t let go… your hand drops… why is it that you cry;
Please… please don’t say goodbye;
Your words ache, you will love me all your life time;
You can’t stay?
I counter, I will love you all my life time;
But not this, never on this day.
Take up your hand and hold it to my heart;
It beats for you,
Listen to my breathing, shallow, painful;
A soul trembles at your touch,
Look into the blue that’s enraptured by this moment;
My eyes crave every detail,
Move closer and take note our reaction;
I feel that you feel,
Whisper those secrets you can no longer keep;
You love me,
Kiss me and seal your confession and make this real;
For I taste your confusion,
Don’t let go… your hand drops… why is it that you cry;
Please… please don’t say goodbye;
Your words ache, you will love me all your life time;
You can’t stay?
I counter, I will love you all my life time;
But not this, never on this day.
Friday, 26 February 2010
Diary - February 19th to 25th 2010
Diary – Feb 19th to 25th
This week has been about three things…
1. Squeezing the little man and coping quite surprisingly
2. Study, study, professional discussion, exam, study, class and more study
3. Confusion in the ranks
I got to meet George! And he is wonderful. He was sick on me which I think is a sign that he loves me already. Plus he fell asleep on me for hours which I also see as a sign that I have a naturally calming maternal instinct. Ha ha. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. I didn’t look at their little family unit and feel bitterness; just a little sigh.
This week has also been filled with exams, classes and portfolios. I am slowly working my way to completing my qualifications. I have enjoyed the renewed learning. I might have to find something else to occupy my mind when I am done. I am open to suggestions of something new. I don’t usually like new but I don’t care this year. I need to push myself and keep my mind from sadder times.
On a strange note, the first guy I ever loved broke my heart this week; or rather it got chipped but it was no one’s fault. I will always love this guy. I can’t help it. Up until I die he will always hold a piece of my heart. This week his girlfriend gave birth to a little boy and I felt oddly devastated. Part of me knows it hurts because I love him and the other part knows I am just reacting to someone else having a baby when I can’t. I send them love and best wishes in buckets as I feel awful for my feelings. It’s not their fault, after all, that I am a confused bag of silly emotions and malfunctioning body parts. I will be happy one day even if it feels like I am waiting forever for it.
Next week… I hope to be surprised. It’s been a while.
This week has been about three things…
1. Squeezing the little man and coping quite surprisingly
2. Study, study, professional discussion, exam, study, class and more study
3. Confusion in the ranks
I got to meet George! And he is wonderful. He was sick on me which I think is a sign that he loves me already. Plus he fell asleep on me for hours which I also see as a sign that I have a naturally calming maternal instinct. Ha ha. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. I didn’t look at their little family unit and feel bitterness; just a little sigh.
This week has also been filled with exams, classes and portfolios. I am slowly working my way to completing my qualifications. I have enjoyed the renewed learning. I might have to find something else to occupy my mind when I am done. I am open to suggestions of something new. I don’t usually like new but I don’t care this year. I need to push myself and keep my mind from sadder times.
On a strange note, the first guy I ever loved broke my heart this week; or rather it got chipped but it was no one’s fault. I will always love this guy. I can’t help it. Up until I die he will always hold a piece of my heart. This week his girlfriend gave birth to a little boy and I felt oddly devastated. Part of me knows it hurts because I love him and the other part knows I am just reacting to someone else having a baby when I can’t. I send them love and best wishes in buckets as I feel awful for my feelings. It’s not their fault, after all, that I am a confused bag of silly emotions and malfunctioning body parts. I will be happy one day even if it feels like I am waiting forever for it.
Next week… I hope to be surprised. It’s been a while.
Thursday, 4 February 2010
Musings - Welcome Peach
One of my closest friends gave birth on the 3rd of February to a healthy and beautiful baby boy. I haven’t seen him yet but I know he will be a peach just like his mum (or I guess a big rugby playing peach like his dad). His name is George.
While I can't wait to meet George I feel a little apprehensive about how I might feel. Selfish I know but I don’t want to always look at him and remember how heartbroken I felt. Neither do I want to do a Stacy special and be devoid of any emotion as I think both him and my friend deserve more than that.
This will be my ultimate test. I will have to put three years of longing and disappointment and heartbreak into my hypothetical box and store it in the pocket of my heart. Someday, somewhere in my future I can only dream of being the mother of a new born and sending out messages of arrival for my own little peach.
But I welcome George for I love him already.
While I can't wait to meet George I feel a little apprehensive about how I might feel. Selfish I know but I don’t want to always look at him and remember how heartbroken I felt. Neither do I want to do a Stacy special and be devoid of any emotion as I think both him and my friend deserve more than that.
This will be my ultimate test. I will have to put three years of longing and disappointment and heartbreak into my hypothetical box and store it in the pocket of my heart. Someday, somewhere in my future I can only dream of being the mother of a new born and sending out messages of arrival for my own little peach.
But I welcome George for I love him already.
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