Musings - Mama Kat's Workshop (16th June 2010)

Barefoot and hormonal…describe an incident that upset you when you were pregnant, but now looking back makes you laugh.

When I was pregnant I was never particularly hormonal. I never ranted or raved or found myself in fits of anger / tears / craziness. In some ways it was a bit of a disappointment but on the whole it was whoo hoo with relief.

But there was one incident, back when I first found out that I was pregnant... I sort of freaked out. Let me set the scene...

I had spent 42 months failing to get pregnant. I had been through tablets, laparoscopy, injections, the indignity of 'THAT' internal scan chair, egg retrieval, insemination, that awful week of waiting, failing to be pregnant, having my heart broken.

So the month after that, when I started to feel pregnant, I didnt belive it. There were so many signs but when you have been waiting 42 months you don't take them serious.

Then when my period was five weeks late I took a test.
I WAS PREGNANT!

Cue freak out!

What if this was just the artifical hormones talking?
What if I am pregnant and things are now growing in the wrong place?
What if something is wrong because I so recently had treatment?
What if I have to wait until the 12 week scan to answer my questions?
What if due to the hormones I have ten of them growing in there?

WHAT IF? WHAT IF?! WHAT IF???!!!

Cue hysterical and overly dramatic sobbing.

Luckily Assisted Conception whipped me in for a six week scan and I got to see my baby, the size of a grain of rice, growing nicely (on her own and in the right place). Phew.

Looking back, now I get to the point of this post, I realise that the crying and the frantic questioning was most likely due to the influx of baby hormones coupled with not being prepared to be pregnant. Ridiculous, I know, I had nearly four years to get used to the idea. Daft blonde!

Which is what makes me laugh, I had spent all that time trying to distance myself and be as shoulder shrugging as possible and the second reality hit I went nuts.

Worth it though. Plus its another story to tell the kid...  Even if she is likely to pull the attached expressions at me. :)

Photo - Me and him...

I was sorting out my photos that I had tranferred from my old phone to the laptop when I upgraded and I came across this one. It was the photograph we took to prove our identity during our failed IVF treatment.

While it does make me feel a little sad, I can't help but love how cute we are. :)
Plus we have Katharine now so I shouldn't feel too sad. xx

Diary - August 13th to 19th 2010

Diary – 13th to 19th August

This week has been about three things…
1. Phasing myself back into work with half days and afternoon naps,
2. Watching more and more of The OC and loving it,
3. Realising that my good intentions of reading my library books have failed.

Friday afternoon involved a wee shopping trip to Huddersfield to try and get some birthday ideas. I failed but I did manage to find a new handbag after months of haphazardly looking. It’s not green but its ugly enough to keep me entertained and interested. I might see if someone wants to wrap it up for my birthday then at least the idea of the shopping trip wasn’t a complete bust. In the evening I met up with the husband and the parents and we went to the Toby Carvery to stuff our faces with a roast dinner and ice cream pudding. Delicious.

We decided on Sunday morning to go and take a look at the Fertility Centre in Manchester. It was only thirty or so miles away and didn’t take much longer to get to than the Leeds Hospital did. It looks lovely, a white stately building and after doing a bit of research it seems like the place to go if you want to get pregnant. It’s going to cost us thousands of pounds though but hopefully it will work and we will have a little monster this time next year. October is going to be our next session… fingers crossed.

On the way back from Manchester we called into the near by shopping centre to have a look for some birthday ideas, after my failed attempt on Friday. This ‘Trafford Centre’ is huge, the eating area is designed like a big cruise ship with loads of restaurants and cafés around the edge of it. We had a lovely lunch then wandered around the shops but I felt that there were way too many posh clothes shops and not enough fun stuff. Kieran got the new Iphone 4 though so he was happy, ha ha.

Tuesday morning saw me back at work, though only for one department so I was able to finish at lunch time and have the afternoon at home. We decided to bake, did the Mother and I. We ended up with forty eight buns and one cake. I posted pictures on the day so scroll down to have a look. I would love to be good at cooking or baking but I fear I just don’t have the imagination or taste buds for it.

On my last afternoon off I popped into see my friend and her little boy George. He is growing really quick and is the spitting image of both of his parents. We played on the rug, talked to Harry the Rabbit, laughed at the hot tub and had a lovely cup of tea. I should really go and visit them more often… it’s just so hard. :(

Rohan also had her fur cut this week. When we went to pick her up we could hear her barking away from the front of the shop. They had put her in a dog cage while she waited for us to arrive and she didn’t like it. Poor love; she does look gorgeous though, more like a little girl dog with her trimmed ears and beard.

Next week… I have no plans but to try and not let a full working week get to me.

Diary - August 6th to 12th 2010

Diary – 6th to 12th August

This week has been about three things…
1. Discovering that having faith in medicine is naïve indeed,
2. Finally purchasing Kieran something for his birthday,
3. Enjoying a routine all week that did not involve going to work!

Whoop whoop! A week off work and boy didn’t Friday drag like hell. Isn’t that always the case? The holiday whooshes by at warp speed yet the days before hand seem to take forever to be over with? I was determined this week to do very little and I managed to do just that, so I apologise now as this diary is not going to be particularly stimulating.

Saturday I wandered around the town centre with Kieran. We went to the pub for lunch which was lovely, then we tried every jewellers we could find to see if they would be able to fix his watches. Yes he has more than one that is broken; I just don’t know what he does with them, ha ha. We also looked at various Netbooks but I am still undecided on if this is what I want for my birthday. The laptop I have works fine and still has a lot of life left in it but I do like the idea of something much smaller to take in the car, to the library, to the coffee shop… but would it be a waste of money? Aren’t I all about the questions today! :) We also stopped off at Millets were I got three pairs of little trainer shoes for £15. What a bargain, I might put photos on here if I can make them look all artfully shoe-like.

After the rest of the weekend was spent being lazy and gluttonous it was time for me and the, ever roped in, Mother to decorate my bathroom. We are a dab hand at hanging the wallpaper meaning we had it finished in just over three hours. I have posted photos so you will have to view them. It doesn’t look much different, the wallpaper is a little more blue but it just doesn’t look as tired now. I must admit that refreshing the house is also making me feel refreshed and that can’t be a bad thing, right?

Tuesday saw our follow up appointment at Assisted Conception, the first since our failed IVF attempt. The results they had informed us that there was no attempt by the embryos to implant. It wasn’t surprising really when the gynaecologist discovered that the two put back in were very poor quality. It’s infuriating! Why didn’t Leeds just leave it and not bother with the implantation? Why present us with false hope and be stupid enough to potentially develop an abnormal foetus? Now, I will love any child I have but it just seems irresponsible to start a life that might not even make it through a pregnancy. Dr HM was not impressed either and we got the distinct impression that Manchester is their preferred Infertility Centre. I am so torn! We definitely want a second go but… do I move clinics?

While I have been on holiday I have had a little spare time to watch some television. I came across The OC Season 1 whilst I was trawling through the TV on Demand that Virgin has to offer. I haven’t watched this show since, at least, 2004! So I started watching and I think I love it even more the second time around. Ben McKenzie is delicious in his brooding and good old Adam Brody is fabulous as the ‘comic relief’. After a quick Google I learnt that there are four seasons… I will have to see about collecting the box sets just to get my fill of angst and tangled love triangles. Oh to live in that pool house. :)

All other hours this week have flown by, I really can not account for them but they haven’t been spent at a desk so I really don’t care. I am relaxed and de-stressed, at last.

Next week… I really need to decide what I want for my birthday.

Diary - July 9th to 15th 2010

Diary – 9th to 15th July

This week has been about three things…
1. Picking a team and knowing without a doubt that I love the furry over the undead,
2. Realising ‘The World’s mine Oyster’ when it comes to culture,
3. Smiling through it all, breathing through it all, living through it all.

I am gradually feeling better about life’s, my life’s, recent turn of events. I can’t change it so there is no choice but to keep going and try again. I will not be on top form for a long time but at least this week I am willing to want to get there. I am not cut out for drama! Ha ha.

What I am cut out for, however, is sitting in the dark lusting, even though I know I shouldn’t, for a teenage werewolf who should always be filmed standing half naked in the rain (fans self with sweaty palm). GO TEAM JACOB! Yup, I went to see the new instalment of the Twilight Saga, ‘Eclipse’. Finally these films get a sense of humour; all they need to do now is kill off Bella and Edward and all will be well. Though I am guessing that whoever directs the next film will not be willing to deviate that far from the novels original intentions. Alas. Good film though. It was good to see the love triangle between mortal, werewolf and vampire explored further. I am a sucker for the supernatural, I’ve probably told you that before? For this instalment I managed to get a work colleague, an apprentice and a husband involved so it was quite a good outing. We will have to do it again sometime.

Saturday saw an early start Stafford Castle bound. For the past five years we have taken a July trip down to Stafford to see Open Air Shakespeare in the grounds of the ruined Stafford Castle. We have previously been the audience of ‘A Midsummer Nights Dream’, ‘Much Ado About Nothing’, ‘Twelfth Night’, ‘Hamlet’ and this year we were to watch ‘The Merry Wives of Windsor’. As always it was an excellent three hours spent. The set was fantastic, the last night antics hilarious, the cast well cast and the weather perfect. The director is a genius, getting all the cast to learn instruments to play as an off centre stage orchestra whenever they were not in the scene. It cheered me up a treat and while this was the first play out of the five years that I had not previously been privy to, I was still able to follow it with ease and excitement. Who doesn’t love Shakespeare set in the 1950s?

The rest of the weekend was not quite so easy. A family gathering meant children. Children who aren’t mine but who love their Auntie Stacy in law. Playing with them was hard but, if I hadn’t, explaining why not would have been harder. I hope everyone understood why I wasn’t my usual cheery self but if not… well to be honest… frankly my dears, I don’t give a damn. I am going through too much to be worrying what others think, especially others who see me twice a year and don’t really bother about me for the rest of it. Tut.

The working section of my week was, sadly, back at work feeling dull and trying to be enthusiastic. The highlight was getting home to find that my portable 250 GB hard drive had arrived. It’s tiny! It’s shiny! I love it! All my ‘stuff’ is now safely on it. Phew. As much as I trust City and Guilds with our students, I am not going to put all my faith into their free memory stick.

Next week… I am going to be decorating the kitchen. Ooh, Berry Brulee here I come. (that’s the colour by the way, I haven’t suddenly gone dessert mad).

Poem - No Breath, No Baby

I never expected this? I’m aching, on my knees,

Cant you see it? I’m drowning, dying inside my skin,
All I hoped; shattered? I’m hapless, forsaken of dreams,
Nobody hears it? I’m screaming, so loud I make no sound,
Tiny pieces, too small? I’m broken; no glue can fix this,

Barren? Barren? I’m lost, my direction faded; unchartered,
Rage gnaws, never relenting? I’m angry, it crawls like ink through veins,
Empty? I’m filled with nothing; nothing creeps in every corner,
Alone with grief? I’m so alone with this grief, I greave,
Treachery in my smile? I’m masking it, look deeper; see my awful truth,
Help me, please? I’m asking, out loud, please; I’m never going to get over this,
Even now… even now? I can’t breathe…

Diary - July 2nd to 8th 2010

Diary – 2nd to 8th July

This week has been about one thing…
1. Figuring out how to breathe through a broken heart.

My IVF treatment didn’t work and I am devastated. I spent the entire month trying, pretending, hoping, to be pragmatic.

“If it doesn’t work, we’ll just have another go.”
“The first try is always more of a fact finding mission to find out what is going wrong.”
“We can always adopt, there are so many children out there needing love.”
“This IVF business wasn’t so hard, I can go through it again.”

What a load of, dare I say it, yes I dare, f'ing crap!

No one prepares you for the complete and utter searing pain of finding out that you have failed again. Failed yourself, you husband, your family, your friends, nature! And failed the embryos that were counting on you to give them life. For the 42nd month in a row since we started trying to conceive I got my period and it has broken me. That is how I feel, broken. Like my entire happiness was resting on one thing and now that it is no longer a possibility I have ceased to function on a normal level.

The week has been a pity party from start to finish with me flipping between forcing myself to blink and remember to inhale and exhale or me shutting down completely on the inside and behaving like all is right with the world and I have never had a care in it.

It is frightening. There is still a slightly rational part of me that is preparing for a complete melt down. Its coming, it will be epic, it will destroy me completely.

Being around people I seem somehow able to rationalise what I am going through but not for me, for them. I have a mask I wear to convince them that I am not in fact dying on the inside but prevailing through it all. It’s bullshit; when I am alone I crumple. I shrivel. I cry like I will never ever recover.

And I curse myself for being so pathetic. It was my first attempt! People try so hard over and over again, yet here I am feeling like it’s the end. It DOES feels like the end though, and no matter how much I try and put myself together I only get so far before I shatter. Reading and Rohan have been my only real distraction, and I love them for it.

My best friend is still no where in sight; I feel her lack of support like an additional hole growing grotesquely within in my chest. I fear I will never forgive her for it.

Next week… I will be arranging my consultation for acupuncture and trying to rebuild before the rain comes.

Diary - June 25th to July 1st 2010

Diary – 25th June to 1st July

This week has been about three things…
1. In with the Embryos
2. Waiting, waiting!, WAITING!!!
3. Wondering if my best friend ever cared at all?

I genuinely have no idea what I have done this week. IVF does that to you I think.

Friday we went to Seacroft for our Embryo Transfer. I was to have a full bladder and this was to be my downfall ha ha. We had to be there at 11am and I decided to drink half my 2 litre bottle on the way there. Big mistake. By the time be arrived in Leeds at an early 10.30 I literally had to run for the loo too panicked about wetting myself to think about keeping my bladder full! Urinating never felt so special. Then I panicked about the full bladder thing so set to downing half of the remaining litre. By 11am I was ready, I couldn’t sit down, I was dancing around the waiting room but not from excitement… I needed to pee again. So after a quick word with the nurse I went but then nervously finished my bottle of Buxton. Unfortunately I didn’t go down to theatre until 11.40 so for the third time that morning I thought I was going to burst!

The procedure itself, performed by the lovely Mr Tang, was like a slightly finicky smear test. On my back, legs in the air (strapped in) and in the two little fellas went; meaning my embryos and not Mr T and his assistant. When it was all over I sped to the bathroom under the assurance that I would not be able to dislodge my new nestling (hopefully) friends with my rapid flow. All done. Now the waiting begins.

The waiting has been the worst part! I have no idea where my mind has been other than in a nervous state of insanity waiting to see if my period appeared before my pregnancy test. I don’t think I am mentally equipped to deal with it not working. Alas. Will this break me?

Thursday another one of my friends informed me that they were pregnant and due in January. This means they were trying for a very short period of time before they got lucky. Now ,I love that my friends are getting pregnant and having babies, its fantastic… but the ease with which they do… the lack of effort it takes when I have spent the last three and a half years dealing with no luck… it breaks my heart. I can’t help it, I can’t help the sobbing that comes forth uncontrolled. Not because they are happy, I would never begrudge them that; I just can’t help but feel that there will never me any babies left for me. Pathetic, huh? Soul destroying? Yes.

Next week… more waiting and possibly some painting.

Diary - June 18th to 24th 2010

Diary – 18th to 24th June

This week has been about three things…
1. Sedation at Seacroft for the sucking out of my eggs,
2. An England team that once again keeps the fans guessing,
3. Loosing my best friend.

Friday I had another scan and while my eggs are coming along nicely they wanted to see me Saturday morning. They then confirmed I had 17 eggs and a retrieval date of Tuesday 22nd of June!!!! ARGH!!!! All systems go now.

Later Saturday I went to see a film called Letters to Juliet. From the trailers and adverts that I had seen for it, I knew that it was going to be a light hearted romance that I could enjoy without feeling emotionally overwrought at the end of it. It was good. The storyline was fantastic and while they could have done so much more with it, what they did do was pleasant and well written.

The plot centred on the idea that women far and wide would visit the house of Juliet and leave her a letter pinned to the wall of the house asking her for romantic advice. Local women would then collect the letters each day and, as Juliet, write a response to each. Sophie, our main character, comes across a fifty year old letter and writes a reply. The woman who wrote the original letter, now sixty five years old, returns to Juliet’s House to heed Sophie’s advice and find the one true love that she abandoned all those years previous. The film is the journey that is taken to locate this man, as well as the journey of several hearts as Sophie finds her own true love. The only downfall it had was that, as usual, when an American made film has a young British male character in it they automatically try and make him Prince William. I will definitely buy the DVD though… I am a sucker for Romance.

Father’s Day came and went with the usual folks and in laws coming to visit. I didn’t really pay much attention as I was too busy counting the nervous hours down to when I was to take my late night injection. 8:30pm was to be my jabbing time! I managed it fine and promptly fell asleep on the sofa. While I can honestly say the last few weeks have flown by with little drama they have still been quite draining so I allow myself the odd cat nap. :)

Tuesday dawned and we headed to the Leeds Centre for Reproductive Medicine for our 7:45am appointment. I was soon stripped, gowned and the IV feeder was poked into my arm. It is amazing how vulnerable you feel without your makeup, knickers and wedding rings. A very pretty young nurse, which amused me no end, soon came to take all the men away to provide their samples. I was then taken into the treatment room where I was laid on the bed, legs in the air, feet strapped in and then sedated. Other than some vague moving about I remember nothing other than coming around next to Kieran, starving, and feeling like I had been riding a bicycle without a seat for a couple of weeks. I was soon up and out and home by lunch time. Not the drama I was expecting; if it doesn’t work this time I know I am strong enough to repeat the job.

The unit rang me early Wednesday morning to let me know that they had managed to retrieve 14 eggs and that a whopping 13 had fertilised! It was fantastic news as I was really expecting them all to fail. That is what you get with ‘Unexplained Infertility’, the expectation to fall at every hurdle. But we didn’t! We have 13 potential embryos to work with. They also informed be that Friday morning will be the day of my Embryo Transfer… the day where the work stops being done for me and it is up to my body to be welcoming enough for my two little dividing cells to want to stay for a while. Oooh fingers crossed!!!!

Next week… everything gets put back in my body!

Diary - June 11th to 17th 2010

Diary – 11th to 17th June

This week has been about three things…
1. Growing my eggs and feeling exceedingly ‘full’ as I do so,
2. Having a good old freak out which is long over due,
3. Finding out that people are not the person you thought they were.

Saturday I had a bit of a freak out. After two weeks of injecting myself without a second thought I suddenly found that I couldn’t. I just could not get my hand to move the syringe towards my body. It was ridiculous; but the more I tried the more I realised that couldn’t and then the more my brain wouldn’t communicate with my hand the more panicked I felt; then of course I couldn’t breath which made me panic more! It was shocking. It was getting to the point where Kieran was going to have to do it for me but that idea freaked me out more than my suddenly paralysed hand. It took me an hour and a half to do it and it was nothing; over in seconds and didn’t even hurt. So then I was upset for being so pathetic. I blame the drugs! I’m sure I’m not usually such a sap? Perhaps self preservation kicked in, which is weird.

Anyway, Kieran decided to kidnap me for the day and as he was heading in the York direction to collect some tires we packed a picnic and let the day unfold. We ended up at Byland Abbey which I have pictured earlier in the week. It was a beautiful day and a beautiful place, and while I’m not usually spiritual, walking around the ruined Abbey cleansed me and calmed my fractured soul. I genuinely felt like someone or something was giving me a hug. :)

Midweek I had two afternoons of training, the new system we have installed is about to be dispersed to the rest of my workplace so some bright spark thought it might be a good idea to make sure that we knew how to use it first. The most entertaining part of the training was getting to see CW and seeing how well he looks. He is a fool but I fear that is part of his charm. I am now 107 in line to be his next wife. I would have made it into the top 100 but as I never visited him on his ‘death bed’ I have lucked out. I think bribes will be in order to get any higher on the list, bless him.

We also had another visit to ACE Wednesday morning. I have fifteen eggs now as apposed to the standard one! Just waiting for them to grow and mature so that we can have the retrieval next week. All fun and games but we are getting there!

Thursday I had my first real taste of another person’s impatience regarding my IVF treatment. I was made to feel as if I was a complete inconvenience, like I could no longer be relied upon for anything, like I had never and would never again be useful. It was awful. I have been open, honest and continuously hard working yet because, for one week out of five and half years, I am not able to commit my time I am causing a whole variety of anal problems. I never have time off sick, I go to work positive and approachable and I am willing to do anything to progress my team and workplace but clearly nowadays that just isn’t enough.

I wanted to stand there and scream…

Do you think this is easy for me?
Am I not inconvenienced by my malfunctioning reproductive parts?
Am I really expected to have to deal with the shit you haven’t sorted when I am dealing with enough of my own?
Back Off!!

In reality I said nothing but I knew that this was a working relationship that would never be the same. Loose my respect and you can never fully gain it back. I am too old, too infertile and too drugged up to suffer the stupidity of others.

Next week… they go in and drag out my eggs.

Question: 16

Am I strong enough to get through this?

Diary - June 4th to 10th 2010

Diary – 4th to 10th June

This week has been about three things…
1. Realising that the human race sucks,
2. Returning to ACE and coming away with a pharmacy,
3. Doing what I love best… film watching.

This week started with doom and gloom.

Friday morning I left the house for work to find that during the night some fine example of the earth’s scum had smashed in the rear windscreen on my car. As I have no enemies that I know of and nothing from the car was taken, I can only deduce that this was an act of mindless vandalism. Don’t you just hate people? I posted photographs of my sorrowful Renault. The insurance company as usual didn’t really care about my plight but transferred me to their Autoglass company who informed me that nothing could be done until Sunday. As the photos clearly show my car is now open to the public so this was a little, no a lot, unacceptable.

It was even suggested to me that I cover the open window with Clingfilm??? What!!!?

Now being on my hormone injections means that I am not in my usual easy going state of mind, in fact I was an emotional wreck, so my lovely husband got on the case. He rang the insurance company back to inform them that the car was going to be stolen. His sarcasm worked wonders as my car got a garage for the day and night and was returned to fully windowed order by 8am on Saturday morning. :) All I have to fear now is my renewal quote!

Saturday afternoon me and the friend went to see Street Dance 3D. I wasn’t expecting much which was wrong because it was great. Not quite sure why it needed 3D and the lead character’s Leeds accent was a little grating (says the woman born 18 miles down the road), and the male ballet dancer had a weird shaped head, but other than that I thoroughly enjoyed it. The story worked well, if a little try hard, and from start to finish I was willing them to win, which for me is always a good sign. I also got to keep my 3D glasses for future showings though I realised afterwards that the privilege has cost me a pound!

Sunday I found ShabbyBlogs.com and made my Existence all fancy – what do you think?

I also got to watch Daybreakers this week. It felt like I had been waiting years for it to come to DVD. Being an Ethan Hawke fan since 1991 I am always excessively keen to see his offerings. He had a few strange years in the middle (Gattaca, cough) but he pulled me back in with Training Day. The film was excellent. It catered both to my Vampire and Hawke obsessions. It was well scripted, filmed and one I can definitely see me watching over and over again. He also had his floppy hair back which has and always will do strange things to my toes. :)

Thursday saw the return to ACE (Assisted Conception) where I was given an entire carrier bag filled with injections. No exaggeration, a literal carrier bag full. I now have to take two per day. One to stop my hormones and one to give them back. I had to go on my own this time; Kieran was tied up at work, which I didn’t quite like. The nurse I had this time was also a little ‘flippant’ which doesn’t help when I am nervous, my hormones are all over the place, and she is telling me that in less than two weeks a guy with a big needle will be sucking out my eggs. It will be worth it, it will be worth it!

Next week… I get to go on the magic chair more times than I find good for my sanity.

Diary - May 28th to June 3rd 2010

Diary – 28th May to 3rd June

This week has been about three things…
1. More dreams of a strange nature which included a Bounty Hunter and a pair of handcuffs,
2. Out with the old and in with the new,
3. Waiting for side effects that never really came. Phew.

Friday was the day we had our appointment with Assisted Conception to start my first course of IVF injections. Nervous Much! When we got there another couple were waiting to be seen, they had a pram with them with a sleeping two year old flopped inside. Now part of me thinks it’s slightly cruel to allow children into an area where infertile couples are likely to be milling but this time we were able to laugh as the nurse smiled at me and said “Here’s one we made earlier.” If anything was going to put me at ease; that did. We gave blood, got our prescription and then were given instructions on how to inject the hormone inhibiter into my stomach. The needle is huge! I didn’t realise it was going to be an actual syringe! I managed it though! I’m a big girl.

I was told that there would be a whole variety of side effects but other than feeling tired and a little ditzy I have been fine. It took my a few days to get used to injecting, and I can’t do it with Kieran watching ha ha, but by the end of the week I was an old pro. I decided it would be easier to build it into my breakfast routine so that I wouldn’t forget. So my morning consists of shower, dressed, kettle on, toast in, injection, make a cuppa, butter toast, food channel. Good times. I go back next Thursday to check my progress; fingers crossed.

I will at some point start an IVF diary log but with my new ditzy mind I haven’t really been able to focus myself on anything, but watch this space I promise.

The bank holiday weekend was spent either in the library or moving all my living room type belongings into the kitchen. It is amazing how much stuff we have accumulated, okay stuff I have collected as I can’t really blame Kieran for any of it. It was a bit of a jigsaw puzzle to fit the bookshelves, the cupboard, the dvds, the books, the dog cage and the sofa’s next to the dining table but I did it and even manage to leave about a foot of space for us to squeeze through to get to the rest of the house. It was take away city though as I blocked off the cooker, oops. It was worth it though in preparation for Tuesday.

So Tuesday I had my long awaited new carpet fitted. With Rohan puppy trained and with having the money saved I was finally able to purchase a carpet without feeling premature or guilty for spending the money. It took the fitters about half an hour to fit it and looking at it I know the colour looks different at home than it did at the shop, and in all honestly it doesn’t match the room, but I love it anyway. It’s clean! Getting all the furniture back into the living room from the kitchen was the next drama but at least I got the chance to have a good tidy and a good sort out. Everything looks lovely now, back to feeling like a room I might want to spend time in. Rohan has been forbidden to enter with damp feet and Kieran has been warned too ha ha.

Wednesday I was back to work, obviously no one had done anything while I was off. Slackers. Good job I at least know what it going on!

Next week… I just plan to enjoy my treatment and raise my rock bottom hopes. Positive thinking, positive thinking!!!

Diary - April 9th to 15th 2010

Diary - 9th to 15th Apr

This week has been about three things…
1. Consenting to the next chapter in my life
2. Showering an unborn baby with books
3. Being productive on a Saturday (this is rare – usually it’s the pub and then American Idol repeats)

Saturday saw sun, shearing and supervising. While the husband and the father tried to pull out the old starter motor to install the new I supervised my mother while she weeded my garden. Don’t feel sorry for her, she loves it. Weeding my garden while I stand and watch is how it has always been and how it shall always come to pass. The sun was finally out, hinting at a little spring, which cleansed the soul somewhat. Late afternoon we took Rohan to get a hair cut, 3 hours worth, and while we waited the mother and I wandered around the garden centre where she conned me into letting her buy me a handbag. It’s beautiful, green as always.

The working week started with our visit to the Assisted Conception Unit, ACE for short. We spent over an hour and a half signing form after form, consenting to all the various stages that come with having your offspring mixed in a pot. It’s all very exciting. Not too sure about the injection induced menopause but I figure whatever they throw at me now is going to be nothing compared to actual labour. Strangely I find this comforting… remind me I said that (hopefully) in a years time. I now have a vague timetable of what will be happening when and what I need to do. I might even start another blog segment about it, if only to keep me sane.

Also, one of my close friends is due to have her baby in two weeks, if she doesn’t explode before hand as she is huge, so we had a surprise baby shower. All very American but it was nice to have a get together. The mother of the one about to be a mother had the lovely idea that we all bring our childhood favourite book as a gift. It went down a storm! Chubba, the yet to be seen addition (I do hope that name doesn’t stick), now has enough books to last 0 through to 5 years. My choice was “Where’s Spot?” as “Phoebe and the Hot Water Bottles” is out of print. I do fear that having over 900 books myself means that my children are going to inherit my reading / collecting bug. Worse things I suppose, ha ha, they could inherit the big hair and buck teeth. Thank heaven for straighteners and braces. :)

Next week… it will be all I can do not to yawn.

Diary - April 2nd to 8th 2010

Diary – 2nd to 8th Apr

This week has been about three things...
1. Being chauffer to the family unit – should have put the meter on!
2. The next step!
3. Wearing my 3D glasses once more while stuffing (literally) my face with popcorn.

Easter weekend… and the weather was blah. We spent Friday in the Eureka. This is the well known children’s museum that just happens to be in my home town. We took a niece and a nephew and they loved it. The next three days were spent slothing, reading, blogging and film watching. We went to see Clash of the Titans which I have reviewed already in a previous post. It was nice to have some time to recharge. I even had time to go to the library. I did wait around all week for someone to get in touch but they didn’t so I am a little upset… I can’t always be the one to do the running.

Part way through the week our truck, Grace (have I mentioned her? LR Defender 90?) broke down. She is a money pit but she got me around in the three months of snow so I begrudgingly open the purse strings for repairs. A new starter motor was needed which was ordered and now awaits its installation. In the mean time I am chauffer to a sleepy husband and a giddy pup. I don’t mind; driving out of town means that I get some me time on the journey back in.

On the subject of vehicles my parents got themselves a new car, not brand new – a couple of years old, but new to them. It’s a Suzuki and the colour is Galactic Grey. It is lovely but as it’s not me mother’s choice I know she will find something or other wrong with it, ha ha. My father drove me and Rohan around the block in it. Twas fun.

I also got a letter from the hospital; this is really the big news of the week. Last August I was put on the IVF waiting list with the proviso that I / We would be waiting ten to twelve months until the procedure. This week I got notification that I will be starting treatment in May. That is only three weeks away! My excitement outweighs my trepidation, just. To think that by the end of June I might be pregnant, it’s unbelievable. I am more worried that I might hope too much but then I fear that I might hope too little. I hear good things though, people are always telling me success stories. I was told a hilarious yet frightening story about a sperm mix up but I wont go into that, lets just say if my kids come out any colour than pasty white Kieran is not gonna be pleased.

But it’s a good thing. Being infertile is a bitch but moving forward to the next step is productive and it has been such a long time since I have had anything to look forward to that I am going to jump in with both feet. Motherhood here I come! Fingers and toes crossed!

Next week… will be all about fixing things.